Let me holler at you for a minute, boner machines:

To me, starring in a porn called "Fantastic Mr. Fist" would mean that me being fisted is what's for dinner, while "Fisting Mr. Fox" means I would be the one taking someone downtown to Pound Town in such a manner. Are those of you who said they'd star in "Fantastic Mr. Fist" using the same logic? I'm just asking 'cause I'd fist people until the cows came home but I'm a little leery of being tenderized myself.

Why I'll never work for a triceratops "after the jump", as the kids are saying:

( Kriss Kross'll make ya )

My mom has a date with Vladimir! I tried to give her some dating advice since she's a serial monogamist and it's been a while:

Me: If he mentions taking you and possibly a friend to Vancouver, you know you have to put out, right?
Mom: You know, I think about how you moved back home to help take care of Julian, and it makes me think that I raised a pretty cool kid. But then you say shit like this. And don't even get me started on the dolls and that lightsaber in the basement.
Me: You know that those are action figures. They have way more points of articulation than dolls do. And I told you that I only bought the lightsaber 'cause it was 70% off on clearance. And it's actually appreciated in value, thank you very much.
Mom: I honestly don't know where I went wrong.
Me: Look, we could talk all night about all the cool shit I own, but just know that no one is gonna judge you if you bang this dude so I can have a set tour. Do it for me, Mom!

It's like she doesn't care about my happiness.

I'm surprised that my last poll was such a tight race. I really thought Fisting Mr. Fox would have the early lead and steamroll its way to victory, but the results were actually pretty close right up until it got some crucial votes to put it over the top on Friday. In light of that, a new poll:

( Star of stage and screen )

[What the fuck, LJ keeps going insane and eating this post. Doesn't it realize I have important queries?]

I stopped by my office as I'd forgotten my phone there. On the way out, I spotted a cleaning lady eating a cottage pie, so naturally I thought, "Oh man, I need that inside me."

Except based on the shocked look she gave me, I actually said it out loud. Unfortunately, I just said "What?" and then left the room. Is there a Christmas gift or card you can buy someone to convince them that you only wanted their delicious meal inside you?

( drunk movies + a poll )

EDIT: Now I really want a strawberry milkshake.

I have now narrowed my travel choices down to Amsterdam or Sydney. It'll likely be Amsterdam because my friends want to come with me this time, so we'll have to go in May and flights to Amsterdam are about $800 less than those to Sydney. I do want to go to Sydney before the end of next year, though.

( Why I hate parties, rogue ejaculators )

My friends and I like to play the occasional board game, usually Comana, Oxford Dilemma or Monopoly. We had plans to play Monopoly this week, but everyone's reluctant since recently a game of Pokémon Monopoly ended in a fist fight after I made what I felt was a perfectly legit move:

In Pokémon Monopoly, when you roll doubles you get to move your piece and then use a Pokémon power instead of rolling again. I rolled double ones, which I meant that I could "teleport like #15 Mewtwo and go anywhere on the board". At first I was just gonna teleport past Go and collect an easy $200, but then I realized that we play with the rule variation of putting money in the middle of the board whenever you have to pay for something via Chance or Community Chest, and whomever lands on Free Parking gets it. So I teleported to Free Parking and collected my $1500. That's when all hell broke loose, and I started getting crap about how I was cheating because the Free Parking money isn't part of the official Monopoly rules. I don't think it matters whether or not it's part of the official rules, because we weren't playing with the official rules anyway. This is the part where I stood up and did a victory dance and was promptly punched in the mouth. After a few minutes of rolling around on the floor with my assailant, I got to keep my money, but was subsequently branded a "cheating-ass cheater". Then another fight broke out after I landed on someone's property and chose to exchange my $20 for $1s so I could throw each bill in their face. But I did not cheat!

Poll #1492821
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 14

Is it cheating-ass cheating if you teleport to Free Parking?

If we can't agree on an answer, we may play Risk instead. I've never played Risk, but I've been advised that my plan to hide out in Australia until everyone destroys each other is nonsensical. I'll either have the last laugh, or flip over the table and punch someone.

Also, I hate rude jackasses.

( + pop song ramblings )

OH SHIT, I CAN'T WAIT:

( Fist pumpin' like champs! )

I have Google Wave invites, if anyone out there wants to not know how to use it.

My shoes are finally falling apart. They've been discontinued forever but I'm tempted to track them down and buy them again 'cause they're awesome. I did find a pair of these for $60 on Friday, my first ever pair of low cut Chuck Taylors. They feel a little weird. I was holding out for these, but they're proving impossible to find in Canada.

On Saturday, there was roller derby, and the Gore-Gore Rollergirls won the championship game, much to my dismay.

( We can't stop here, this is leopard country. )

After the match, we decided to head downtown to the Scotiabank Theatre for the 11:20 showing of New Moon. We had been drinking since 6pm, so heading to the movies to continue drinking seemed like the thing to do. When were at Spadina station, I had been talking to Cory about something when Krista decided to knee me in the crotch to get my attention. Now, I don't have testicles, and I'm not claiming it was on that level of pain, but this was a direct hit from Krista's incredibly bony knee to my clitoris. I am not ashamed to say I dropped my bag and doubled over. This happened in full view of not one, but two TTC Special Constables. I pointed to Krista and said "That woman just drove her knee into my mons pubis!" They stared blankly, so I tried again: "My crotch! She kneed me in my fucking crotch! That woman just assaulted me." One guy asked, "Insulted or assaulted?" Then they walked away, ignoring my whimpers and Krista's peals of laughter. Not even a stern talking-to. Fuck tha police Special Constabulary!

On top of all that, Krista forgot what she wanted my attention for. I drank some more on the train ride to Osgoode because man, that shit was throbbing.

We made it to the theatre right on time, but I guess all the teenage girls weren't allowed to stay downtown that late, because the theatre was only a third full, and it was all adult couples. There was a man behind us who kept telling his girlfriend that Edward and Bella's relationship is bullshit because "he can't kiss her for more than three seconds, and she puts up with that even though she doesn't even get a little fingering out of the deal". I gotta say, I agree. And if Edward's in a constant struggle to resist the smell of her delicious, delicious blood, I guess Bella's on Annuale or whatever. Movie sucked, as did everyone except Anna Kendrick. And the kids who played her friends, I guess?

I have spent this past week randomly shouting "HAVE A BABY BY ME, BABY, BE A MILLIONAIRE. BE A BE A MILLIONAIRE, BE A BE A MILLIONAIRE." It's a sickness.

I'm giving my mom my old crappy PC so she can "log on to Google". The elderly Christian fellow who lives across the street and always tries to guilt me into going to church -- not today, old man! -- offered to help her re-format the hard drive, and I thought nothing of it, 'cause I already copied all the music and pornography off of it. Unfortunately, I forgot that my desktop background was this:

( ... )

Gonna go see the Gore-Gore Rollergirls vs. Smoke City Betties in the Toronto Roller Derby League Championships tomorrow. I should get a head start on the pre-drinking.

( Fuck you, little kid! )